I couldn't sleep last night, didn't even try that hard until close to 4am, when I did doze I had nightmares from the past that I brought on myself. I got a book through Paperpackswap.com (LOVE THEM!!!), called The Hate Factory. It's the story of the NM prison riot in 1980 that was horribly violent; one of the deaths described in the book, recounted by the inmates who did it, was the death of the man that killed my little 6 and 8 year old sisters and my step mother. I leafed through the book, didn't read the whole thing, and I won't. It affected me so badly all I could see when I closed my eyes was the violence in the house when I found them that morning in 1978. Their faces in front of me asking for help, help I couldn't give because they were dead, and it was my fault, because those men were after me and I wasn't there.
It's always in the back of my mind, I feel like I need to make contact with them and find out if they blame me, if they knew why those men were there, if they said anything to them.
I need to bring on dreams tonight of a peaceful, happy, nature.
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